Question 231: How can I know that I have forgiven someone who has hurt of offended me?
Answer: If we know that God’s Word teaches us to forgive others who have offended us and to do it, if necessary, over and over and over again and to relinquish our natural desire to get revenge against the offender and that forgiveness is a choice that we make rather than a feeling that we follow, then how can we know when we have been successful in completing the process?
I grew up with a father who was a mean alcoholic. He would get drunk, come home and beat up my mom along with whichever of the 5 kids got in his way. Since I was the oldest boy, the responsibility to try to protect my mother fell on me. I was always unsuccessful in defending her until I got to be about a sophomore in high school, then the tide turned in my favor. We continued to fight physically and needless to say we hated each other.
When I turned 19, God invaded my life and changed my heart. Jesus became my Savior and Lord and my life began to change dramatically. However, the first thing He dealt with was my relationship with my father. God begin to put thoughts in my mind that were obviously from Him, like “I want you to honor your father.” I began several weeks of wrestling with God in my mind, arguing as to why I should not honor my father. The argument that I tried to use was that he didn’t deserve my honor or respect. In fact, I would argue, he is the one who should be apologizing to me. But the thought, not an audible voice, but the clear thought continued to repeat itself, “I want you to honor your father!” After about three weeks of sleeplessness, I surrendered. I said to God, “Okay. I’ll go to him and seek his forgiveness.” That was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do, but one of the best lessons I’ve ever had.
I did a lot of praying leading up to meeting with him. I don’t remember word for word what I said but essentially, I confessed to him that I had been rebellious toward him and had not honored him like I should and that I was going to treat him with respect and that I intend never to dishonor him again. He began to cry and I followed his lead with tears as well. He continued to be critical of my mom but he never laid a hand on her after our encounter. He stopped drinking shortly after that. He was trying hard to clean up his act but as we know, that doesn’t work. However, fast forward about 30 years and he is in a hospital in Springfield Mo on his death bed. I flew from Houston to Springfield to spend the night with him. Because we had maintained a good relationship over the years, he allowed me to share the gospel and he prayed to receive Christ and died two days later.
Before I sought his forgiveness, when I would think of him or talk about him an outrage would almost overpower me. The anger was strong enough that it could have led to murder if I had been given the chance. But after going to him and seeking his forgiveness I had a perfect peace. I still remembered what he had done but there was no anger, I could talk about and to him with no negative thoughts.
One of the principles in seeking forgiveness is to follow our biblically informed mind, not our feelings. However, in a case where we wonder if we have truly forgiven another person, our feelings can give us a good indication. If we have genuinely forgiven an offender, our hurt and anger will have subsided. But, if there is still hurt, anger or any other negative feeling, we need to go back to the drawing board and talk to our Heavenly Father about our own hard heart. One of the biggest factors which makes forgiveness difficult is that we don’t realize the depth of our own sin. Neither do we understand what it cost our Savior to pay for our sins. The answer lies in asking God to show us our own sin and to show us what it cost Jesus to pay for them. See the passage on the Unforgiving Servant, (Matthew 18:21-35).