Question 230: I know the Bible teaches that I am supposed to forgive a person that hurts or offends me. How do I forgive? What does that entail? What does that look like?
Answer: Forgiveness is at the very heart of the gospel. Jesus died on the cross so our sins could be forgiven. One of the phrases in the Lord’s prayer deals directly with us being forgiven for our sins and forgiving others who have sinned against us. “And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors” (Matthew 6:12). Out of all the phrases in the Lord’s Prayer, Jesus selects this one to elaborate on further at the end of the prayer. “For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses” (Matthew 6:14-15). This powerful passage is emphasizing a most important and sobering lesson that as believers in Jesus Christ who have been forgiven of all our sins, past, present and future, we must likewise be gracious and willing to forgive others of whatever offence or hurt that they have brought upon us.
When we have been hurt, it is natural to want to get even with the offender and even add a few lashes for good measure. However, Jesus doesn’t allow us the perceived right to do any such thing. “But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you” (Matthew 5:44). Forgiveness in the Greek literally means, “to let go.” When we forgive someone, we let go of the perceived right to get revenge. Carrying an offence around hoping to get revenge someday is like drinking poison hoping the other person gets sick. It makes no logical sense to torture ourselves by carrying bitterness when we can let go of it by obeying our Lord Jesus’ command to forgive. Forgiveness sets us free and gives us peace.
Paul, like Jesus, emphasizes the fact that since we have been forgiven, we must also forgive. “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32). Scripture clearly teaches that we have been forgiven and we must, as genuine believers, forgive others their offences against us. But how are we to do obey such a difficult if not impossible command?
In order for us to forgive others in a biblical manner, we must be made aware of several helpful concepts. 1) Forgiveness is a decision to offer grace when we’ve been hurt instead of demanding justice. Forbearance and forgiveness must not be confused. Peter states, “…Love covers a multitude of sins” (1 Peter 4:8). In relatively minor things, we are to exercise forbearance and overlook the little things by reminding ourselves of God’s love and praying for the offender. However, forgiveness is for major offences that can’t be ignored. It is a decision and it is action oriented not feelings based. 2) Forgiveness is to be done from the heart between you and God in the form of a prayer. If the offender seeks your forgiveness, then you are to graciously grant it, but otherwise you are to forgive without going to that person. You should never go to a person and state, “I’ve forgiven you!” unless they have sought it from you. That approach will almost always create a new problem. 3) Forgiveness is reminding yourself how much you have been forgiven. 4) Forgiveness is relinquishing your perceived right to get even. 5) Forgiveness is choosing to respond to evil with good. We must not wait until we “feel” like it, we are to take action to obey regardless of our feelings. 6) Forgiveness must be repeated as often as necessary. 7) Pray for God to bless the offender and ask Him to deal with your feelings. 8) Feelings should follow the obedient actions, never should actions follow feelings. In other words, our biblically informed minds should be in control of our feelings. We remind our emotions about what God’s Word teaches. J.I. Packer tells us to preach to ourselves more and listen to ourselves less.
We don’t forgive because we are a loving and forgiving person. We forgive because we have been loved and forgiven by our Lord Jesus and He has commanded us to do likewise.